Harry Potter and the Secret Society
by skaterpixie
Summary: A twist on "Order of the Phoenix". This is the result of too much caffiene..enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or any of the storylines... blah blah blah…though sometimes I give them whole new personalities. Hope it's okay. Enjoy!

Harry Potter and the Secret Society…Order of the Phoenix.

_It was a beautiful summer day, Harry Potter sat on a swing singing a combination of "Where is the Love?" and "Emo kid", which turned out sounding rather ghastly. In the distance, Dudley and his gang are tormenting the little kids on the playground by taking over the monkey bars, breaking the tire swing(because of their weight) and stealing candy from five year olds._

Harry: Whats up Big D?

Dudley: Wassup homie?

Harry: Stealing candy from another five year old?  
Dudley: Well ya, cuz mum is a month late on mah allowance and I'm friggin starvin.

Harry: Pfft that's rich.

Dudley(_proudly_): That's nothing, me and mah gang stole money from a couple ten year olds and bought some…candy disks…you know CDs.

Gang member #1: You mean compact disks.

Dudley: Did I say you could talk?

Gang member #1: Sorry sir, In Dudley we trust.

Harry: Wow you're pathetic.

Dudley: Your face is pathetic. At least I'm not scared of my pillow.

Harry: I'm not scared of my pillow.

Dudley: What are you doing then? Making out with it? It sounds like it from what I hear. You moaning in your sleep.

Harry(standing up and pointing his wand): SHUT UP!

Gang Member #2: Cool a stick.

Harry(looks up at the sky): Wow look how dark it's getting..and cold and dark figures..uh oh.

_(Enter dementors_)

Dementor 1: Uh I think we took a wrong turn.

Dementor 2(_to Dudley_): Scuse me, do you know the way back to Azcaban

Dementor 1(_flying towards Harry_): Hey look it's Harry Potter…can I have your autograph?  
Dudley(_freaking out_): Ahhh somethings attacking me! It's sucking out my soul!! Mommy!! Help!! Ahh I'm gonna die!!!(_screams like alittle girl_)

Harry(_casting a patronis_): Expecto Patronum!!! Take that!! Hiya!!!

Dementor 1(_flying away_): Ahhh, I was just asking for directions. Why does this always happen?

Dementor 2(_flying away_): Wheeeee!

Harry(_ rushing to Dudley_): Dudley! Big D! Stupid, wake up!

Dudley(_extremely loopy_): Duh

(_enter Mrs Figg_)

Harry: Uh oh Hey Mrs Figg..we were just uh…holding a fight club..yeah yeah.

Tyler Durden: 1st rule of fight club you do NOT talk about fight club

Harry(_pushing him away_): Yeah yeah.

Mrs Figg: Oh for goodness sake I know you were attacked by dementors. Come on, lets get him home and don't put away your wand, they may come back.

Harry: How'd you know?

Mrs. Figg: First of all, there are no fight clubs in Surrey..trust me I know. Secondly, Dumbledore sent me to watch over you.

Harry: You mean babysit me?

Mrs. Figg: Nyeah…sort of. You're lucky I came and not another muggle. You could have been kicked out of Hogwarts. I was set here to make sure you don't get in any trouble. I can't afford to be going to magical court and representing you. I have far to many things going on.

Harry: Yeah right, like the ministry would care that I casted a stupid little patronus. Come on there is no way in our worlds combined that it will happen.

(_Privet Drive, Harry was just sent a letter from the ministy in which he is not asked to go to court, but scolded in a very harsh manner_)

Harry(_holding his head_): I can't believe I got in trouble with the ministry.

Vernon: Heh, and you'll be in far more trouble when we get back. We are leaving now and when we come back you're in for it. I wont even bother locking he door cuz no one will even come for you. You better be here when we get back. We're leaving now.

Harry: Take your time.(_hears the door slam_) There's no way anyone is coming for me. I didn't even get a bloody letter from my friends. Some friends they are.

(_Day dreams for a while until he hears a big thump and the door falls over_)

Voice: For god sakes Tonks..

Female voice: It wasn't my fault.

Voice: Yes it was, you had to trip when casting the spell.

Female voice(_overly dramatic_): Well you put far to much pressure on me. You think being clumsy is easily. Its NOT(_sniff_)

Harry(_stands up as dark figures approach him_): I have a wand and I'm not afraid to use it.

(_The lights turn on, there in Harry's room are Moody and four other people that he hasn't seen before. His eyes automaticly fall on Tonks_)  
Tonks: Whoa..Hel-lo.

Harry(_looking her over and smoothing his hair_): Whats up, I'm Harry!

Moody: That's enough Nymphadora! (_Harry chuckles_)

Tonks(_hair turning bright red_): Don't call me Nymphadora!!!! I swear to Merlin, the next person that calls me that is going down. (_turns to Harry_) Stop laughing.

Harry: Damn girl, I like you with red hair.

Tonks: hehe thanks.

Harry(_shakes improper thoughts off_): Damn these teenage hormones.

Moody: Whelp Harry, we should better get out of here.

Harry(_jumps off his bed_); You're busting me out? I so did not expect that.

Tonks: Yeah sure you didn't.(_trips over Harry's broom_) You might need that.

(_They go outside and line up_)

Harry: I'm so glad that all my stuff is convieniantly not here, so then I won't have to cart it along.

Moody: Everyone line up.

Harry: Where are we heading to? Diagon Alley? Hogwarts? The Leaky Cauldron? Another Quiddich tourney? (_looks at Tonks_) Your place?

Tonks(_chuckles_): In your dreams.

Harry(_mutters under his breath_): Shut down.

Tonk: We're going to headquarters.

Moody: Not here Nymphadora.

Tonks(_punching him_): DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!(_turns to Harry, whose laughing and elbows him_)

Harry(_holding his arm_): Oww you hit me in the arm. What the crap was that for?  
Tonks: For laughing at me.

Kingsley(_to Moody_): Told ya pal that girl is vicious.

Moody: Anyways, time for take off..5…4…3..2…1(_nothing happens, Moody shakes his broom_) I thought I just got this thing charged. Alright lets try it again…BLAST OFF!!!(_they all shoot off into the sky_)

(_They fly blatantly through the skies of London in a V shape_)

Harry: Say can't the muggles see us?

E. Vance: No, they think we're just geese or something.

(_They fly over a boat where a red head lady is standing on the rail with a hot guy standing behind her)  
_Rose: I'm flying Jack.

Jack: Yeah..(_to himself_) I'm so gonna get laid tonight.

Rose(_looks up at the flying people_) What's that?  
Jack(_lets go of her causing her to fall over the rail_): What's what? Uh oh.

Harry(_flying next to Tonks_): Whats up baby?

Tonks: Not too much.

Harry: Nice night huh?

Tonks: Yeah..you might wanna..

_(Harry nearly crashes into a boat, ending up flipping upside down, then regained control)_

Tonks(_whinces_): …watch out for that boat there.

Harry: So whats headquarters?  
Tonks(_teasing voice_): You'll see.

(_A few minites later, the group lands in front of a apartment complex_)

Harry: What the..

E. Vance: You'll see.

Moody: Open seasame…(_nothing happens_) Shit, I know I have the password somewhere(_fumbles through pockets_)

Kingsley: Uh Moody, you have to tap the ground with your stick.

Moody: No I don't..that doesn't do anything.

Kingsley: Try it.

Moody: I don't see why you want me to do something that stupid(_taps the ground and the apartments moves creating the door of headquarters_) I knew that. Well in you go.

Harry: That was cool (_goes in_) alright.(_runs into a semi pretty woman with black hair, pale complexion and wearing far to tight of a dress)_

Woman: You're such a sore loser! You're so weak, can't even admit that he lost to his dear cousin.

Sirius (_appearing in the doorway_): You're crazy Bella, you know that.

Bella: Yeah duh I've been locked in azcaban for who knows how many years.

Sirius(_shoves her into a wall_): Yeah that's right, you're lucky that they let you out on Thursday nights. It was afterall MY idea.

Bella: Yea..I would hate to miss kicking your ass at Wizards Poker..which I am naturally good at. See pure bloods are the best!

Harry(_whisphering to Tonks_): Whose she?  
Tonks(_glowering at her_): My crazy aunt Bellatrix…I can't believe he invites a death eater to our headquarters.

Bella: Well thanks cuz that was fun and all. I have to go back to prison..they're teaching baking. I can make pies now…meat pies.

Sirius: That's great Bella..whelp have fun in Azcaban.

Bella: I will, see you at our next Poker night. (_smiling happily, then waves to Harry and the rest of the Order_) Hi, someday I'm gonna kill you all…have a nice day!(_skips off in her twisted childish way humming "Have alittle Priest")_

Tonks: Glad she's gone, so want me to show you the guest room.

Harry: Heck yes.

Moody: You can't our meeting is starting.

Tonks: Oh right, well see you round (_winking at him, then tripping_) Dammit, curse this clumsiness.

Lupin(_from inside the room_): Hi Tonks. I saved you a seat.

Tonks(_scowls, then fakes a smile_): Thanks.

Mrs Weasley: HARRY! (_embraces him_) Good to see you. Bit peeky, but that'll be cured soon. I have a five course meal for all of us..but I burnt the roast so you'll have to eat after the meeting. The rest of the kids are upstairs..you'll find them from all the noise they're making. And don't mind Kreacher…he's a very grumpy house elf.

Harry: Er..thanks.

(_Goes upstairs and sees Kreacher, dressed in a business suit and carrying a book_)

Harry(_deciding to be annoying_): Hi little guy.

Kreacher(_sarcastic_): Oh this guy is hilarious.

Harry: Does Dumbledore know you're here?  
Kreacher(_sarcastic_): Can't you see me laughing. Listen pal, I'm the most successful house elf of our society. I wrote hundreds of childrens books and get more action in day then you will in your entire life. So wipe that goofy smile of your face before I take you you down.

Harry: Seesh okay.(_goes upstairs and opens the door_)

Hermione(_hugging him_): Harry, thank god you're here.

Harry(_pushes her away_) Hey…what the heck is up with you guys..I never got one letter from you all summer.

Hermione: We're sorry.

Ron: We were given strict instructions to not send you any letter and not mention anything about this.

Hermione: That's the first and second rule.

Harry: Oh-kay..so what is this place?  
Ron: Headquarters.

Harry: I knew that. Headquarters of what?  
Ron: The secret society known as_(lowers voice_) the order of the Phoenix.

Hermione: Ron, you can't tell, oh no we're gonna be in so much trouble.

Harry: Go on..whats the Order of the Phoenix.

Ron: Its dumbledores army…you see really werid things are going on and even though you-know-who is not back or anything. Dumbledore thought it be good for them to have a meeting just in case anything may happen.

Harry: Well I friggin saw him kill Cedrick

Hermione: But the ministry does not believe you, therefore what you saw pretty much means nothing.

Harry(_sarcasticly_): Gee..thanks Hermione.

Hermione: Well I do believe you…if that counts…it's just that no one else does.

Ron: Speak for yourself.

(_Fred and George appear_)

Fred: We believe you too!

Harry: Thanks.

(_Ginny comes out of nowhere_)

Ginny: Hi Harry, what do you say that we go and spy on the meeting downstairs.

Ron: Mkay..lets use my extendable ear made of cat nip.

Crookshanks: Sweet those are the best kinds.

(_They spy and of course Crookshanks attacks the extendable ear and enjoys eating every bit of it. Soon after, the kids are called down to eat with the rest of the order_.)

That's it for chapter one!! Hope you all enjoyed it! Chapter two will be posted either tomorrow or next week…depending on how bored I am at work! You can review, but please be gentle…this is my first fanfic and my mind has been tremendously influenced by caffiene thus causing werid thoughts to take over. So, yeah, I'm gonna get more tea and see you all in chapter two


	2. Chapter 2

This is so much fun to write, that I decided to make it into a little game. See if you can find all the references to all the other movies and tv shows. For example, in chapter 1, it involved Fight Club, Sweeney Todd, Titanic, Elf, and Napolean Dynamite. They are also repeatable so watch out. Have fun and enjoy chapter 2!!!!

_Harry and the rest of the kids raced downstairs to the Order of the Phoenix just wrapping up their meeting. Mrs Weasley set the first course clam chowder in front of them with a broad smile._

Sirius: How've ya been Harry? I haven't seen you in a while.

Harry: Yeah you've been seeing your evil cousin more than me.

Sirius: Oh it's nothing serious..heh get it serious..anyways it's just our weekly Wizards Poker. Normally it involves Lucius and sometimes you-know-who. But Bella has been kicking their asses at it so, well, they dropped out.

Harry: Wow..okay.

Tonks: Okay try and guess this one(_changes into Snape including voice_) I'm such a grisy git. I'm 40 yrs old and I still live with my mommy. A billion points from Griffindor!(_everyone laughs) _Okay how bout this one..(_changes into Micheal Jackson) _Shammona! (_everyone gets terribly frightened) _Geesh and I thought that was an easy one. (_starts moon walking)_

Harry: Ooooh you're Micheal Jackson.

Tonks: That's right Harry.

Lupin: Can you be 10 yrs older..like perminatly.

Tonks(_scowls):_ Why would I want to do that?

Lupin: Cuz it's better to be thirty flirty and thriving.

Tonks: Hmm I've never thought about that….nah I'm 22 and proud!

Moody: Gotta love the power of pride. I'm ugly and I'm proud!

Mr. Weasley: Now Prof. Moody, what happened to liking ourselves and the power of postive thinking.

Moody: Sorry.

Harry: So whats the point of this society?

Sirius: You're kind of not supposed to ask questions and we aren't really supposed to talk about it. But hey why don't all you kids join it so that we can speak openly about it.

Mrs. Weasley: No he's just a boy.

Sirius: So…Tonks was five years old when she joined and look how good she turned out.

(_Tonks knocks over the candlestick on the table) _I mean it could be worse.

Harry: Well I want to join. Now can you tell me the point of it.

Kingsley: Well it's sort of an (_lowers voice_) army.

Harry: An army? Huh?  
Sirius: Yeah against you-know-who…in case he comes back.

Harry: He has come back, I saw it with my eyes.

Sirius: Are you really sure?

Harry: Yes, I know how to use my eyes Sirius. He killed Cedrick with his bare hands..but primarily with magic.

Ginny: Wow that must have been really scary. Good thing he's not back for good.

Harry: But he is!!!

Hermione: But like I said Harry, your word against the ministry is pretty much useless.

Harry(_yelling)_: Who asked you?

Ron: Geesh leave her alone.

Mrs. Weasley: Uh oh, someone needs comforting..on to the second course!! Away!(_dashes into the kitchen, then appears with several bowls of salad) _

Sirius: Wow you're a wonder Mrs Weasley.

Mrs Weasley: Thanks sometimes it seems that fine dining and breathing are all I know how to do.

Fred: And dote upon everyone…

George: And the wash…

Fred: And boss us around…

George: And make us clean our rooms…

Fred: And yell at us whenever we pop up and scare her..or pretty much anything we say…

Mrs. Weasley(_yelling): _Thats enough!

Fred: See?

Sirius: Anyways, Dumbledore decided to call upon his army again, just in case. So that's why he asked us to have a meeting here.

Lupin: We do a lot of team building activites.

Harry: Like what?  
Lupin: Well today we went around the table discussing our problems, then played a rousing game of Wizards UNO…I won!

Tonks: You did not…you cheated.

Lupin: I did not!!

Tonks: Yeah you did, you still have cards in your lap from the last game

Lupin: Shit(_smirks evily_) Say Tonks, I had a binding curse put over my hands and I can't reach down and get them…can you try.

Tonks: Hell no.(_turns to Harry speaks with a NY accent) _He's such a pathetic loser.

Moody: See how great we bonded because of that? Lupin took one step closer to winning Nymphadora's heart.

Tonks(_hurling a plate at him): _DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!!!

Kingsley: Whoa attitude problem…how bout the third course Molly

Mrs. Weasley(_dashing into the kitchen)_: Away!!

_Added scene…later that night. Harry is in his room staring out the window glowering at nothing. Enter Tonks._

Harry(_perking up and smoothing his hair):_ Hey! Hows it goin?

Tonks: I can't take it anymore. Lupin is like obsessed with me.

Harry: Heh…I mean no he's not.

Tonks: Oh yeah look (_opens the window, Lupin is wandering outside) _That's nothing just listen.

Lupins(_wandering, singing)_: I'll steeeeeeeeeeel you Dooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrraaaaaa. I'll steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you. Do the think that age can stop us. Even though I'm at your window. I'll be in the bed beside you, buried sweetly in your purple hair..Doooorrrrrrrrraaaaa.

Random person(_throwing a shoe): _Will you quiet down out there?

Lupin: What the? Honestly who throws a shoe? Whelp, I'm gonna wander alittle further down the street.

Tonks(_slumps against the wall): _He's gonna be keeping me up aaaaall niiiiight. (_shakes off the Marla Singer character)_ It gets mightly annoying if you ask me.

Harry: Why'd you talk like that?

Tonks: Cause it sounds cool.

Harry: Yeah guys could be…so do you like me?

Tonks: Yeah you're a nice guy.

Harry: Just like? Not love? Not possibly desire? Not possibly marriage anytime in our future?

Tonks: No.(_starts to leave) _I don't date people in the business anyway. Goodnight.

Harry(_sadly): _Goodnight. Strike three.

_The next day the students set off for Hogwarts._

Conductor: All aboard.

Ron: Bye mum

Ginny: See ya mum.

_Harry is talking energetically to Sirius who's in dog form no less_

Conductor: Hurry up,(_checks watch, freaks out alittle_) Hurry up, we're running on a strict shedual.

Harry: Oh well, here my ticket.

Conductor: Uhh wrong train bud, this goes to the North Pole. That's your train.

Harry: Oh thanks I wasn't paying attention. Come on Siri..I mean Skip.

Sirius: Sorry my fault totally did not see the number on the train.

Harry: Uhh how can you not…it's as big as the train.

Sirius: Oh well then my eye sight is starting to go.

Harry: Well bye(_hugs Sirius)_

Random Passenger: Wow he must really love his dog.

Sirius: Take care ole godson of mine.

Harry: I will.(_climbs on board) _bye!

Little child: Cool a doggie…come here boy..wanna play fetch?

Sirius(_excitedly):_ Okay!! I mean woof!

_On the train to Hogwarts_

All Students: Ninety six bottles of beer on the wall…Ninety six bottles of beer..you take one down..pass em around….Ninety five bottles of beer on the wall…(_continue singing)_

Hermione(_to Ron who is singing really loud)_: I can't believe you're singing along with that….so childish.

Ron: No this is childish…are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Harry(_to himself): _I am so miserable…why do I see Voldemort in my head…heh…I mean ahhh why is he tap dancing? The horror…the horror.

Ron: You talkin to me?  
Harry: No just an inner monologue. I keep seeing Voldemort tap dancing in my head.

Ron: Eww…was he like good?  
Harry: Surprisngly yeah..he had the top hat and cane…what could that mean?  
Ron: He's going to invade our talent show?  
Harry: No…by the way you were good last year. Who would have known that you could sing Paper Moon that well.

Ron: I've had lessons since I was five.

Harry: Hermione would not stop staring at you since.

Ron: Yeah I know…and after hearing her sing Caberet..I couldn't stop staring at her either.

Harry: But she uh was totally off key…I think the whole school was staring at her.

Ron: Yeah but there was a certain glitter in her eyes that I've never noticed before.

(_Hermione was not listening, but instead joined in the song)_

Harry: Whelp good luck with that, Ron. Meanwhile Im gonna stare into space wondering why Voldemort is dancing in my head….and why I find myself enjoying it.

Ron: You do that.

_The train finally boards and the students are being sent to the school on carriages that pull themselves. Harry gets a glimpse of Cho Chang, in the background the theme from Romeo and Juliet is being played._

Harry: There she is…the woman I'm gonna marry.

Ron: You don't even know her…really.

Harry: We'll have our whole lives to. (_spots the Thestrals) _What the-eww it just slobbered on my shirt.

Hermione: What are you talking about? There's nothing there.

Harry: Uh yeah there is…look at my shirt…something drooled on my shirt!

Hermione: It was probably Ron.

Ron: Hey

Luna: You're not going crazy…I see them too. But then again I'm know to be alittle loony. (_They climb onto the carriage next to Luna who is reading an Entertainment Weekly magazine upside down.) _Wow Josh Hartnett looks really good upside down. OMG it's Zac Effron…I'm gonna marry him.

Hermione: That's great…everyone this is Loony..Luna Lovegood.

Luna: Hi..like my necklace…it has tannis root in it. That's why it smells funny. It keeps away the Narcos

Neville: Oh

Hermione: What are Narcos?  
Luna: I hope we eat soon.I hope theirs lemon pudding! I looove lemon pudding!

Sorry this chapter was a tad shorter than my previous one..but I have plans. Trust me. So there are several movie/tv references in this chapter, were you able to find them? I'll post the answers in my authors note to chapter three. Hope you're all liking this and thanks alot for the reviews! Well, stay tuned for chapter three. See you there!!


	3. Chapter 3

**So there were nine movie/tv references hidden in Chapter two, did you find them all? **"**I'll steeeeeeel you Doooorrrrrra" is actually a song called Johanna from Sweeney Todd**

"**Alllll niiight" obviously Marla Singer from Fight Club(I gave that one away)**

"**Away" and "I'm ugly and I'm proud" is from none other than Spongebob Squarepants**

"**Lemon pudding, I loooove lemon pudding" from another cartoon "Hey Arnold"**

"**Thirty, flirty and thriving" is from 13 going on 30**

"**He's such a pathetic loser" with NY accent is from "Miss Congeniatity** "**Honestly who throws a shoe?" is form Ausin Powers**

"**Hurry up,(**_**checks watch, freaks out alittle**_**)" is from Polar Express**

"**Tannis Root" is from Rosemary's Baby**

**So did you find them all? If you did great job! If you didn't well, see if you can find them all in this chapter. Special thanks to Micheal Jackson, Entertainment Weekly and Lemon pudding for adding additional support to my story. I'm thinking of rewarding whoever does the best at this game with a prize beyond their wildest dreams….probably involving something on the line of pretzels or lemon pudding..since they're recurring themes throughout this story. So if you want a free lemon pudding or mini bag of pretzels continue to read my story. Oh yeah and enjoy!******

**P.S. I will be introducing a character all to my own named Gretalla..she's actually a vital character in a novel that I'm working on. I figured I'd throw her into the mix.**

_The carriages finally stopped at Hogwarts and let the students off. All of the students were lead into the dinning hall by Professior McGonangle and other members of the faculty. The first years were lined up at the end of the hall awaiting nervously to be sorted. Harry and his other Griffindor friends and watched as the first years were sorted into houses. Very few made it into Griffindor…a kid with large horned rimmed classes whom we'll call Erwin, Luna Lovegood, and a magically gifted fourteen year old with flowy light brown hair, light green eyes..almost transparent, and wore a white dress. Her name is Gretalla and she came from a place called Kienka. After the first years were sorted, food magically appeared on the table…_

Luna: Mmmm lemon pudding! See I told you I liked it.

Hermione: Yeah you sure did.

Ginny: How many calories are in this chicken?  
Hermione: I dunno a lot…why?  
Ginny: I wanna lose three pounds for the dance coming up.

Luna: Three? Just three?  
Ginny: Got a problem with that?

Luna: No (_grabs the whole bowl of lemon pudding_) my pudding.

Hermione: There's a dance coming up?  
Ginny: Well yeah…senior prom. I know one of the Ravenclaw boys are going to ask me.

Hermione: Yeah okay…which one?  
Ginny: The hotest one.

Luna: Forget the Ravenclaw boys, I'm marrying Zac Efron

Ginny: No I'm already engaged to him.

Luna: No you're not!! You just said you're going out with a Ravenclaw boy!  
Ginny: But I'm MARRYING Zac Efron.

Ron(_turning to Ginny_): No sister of mine is going to marry Zac Efron.

Ginny: Well that could be arranged…I disown you Ron.

Ron: Whatever. I thought you liked Harry anyway. (_looks at Harry whose bruting and burying his corn in his mash potatos_)

Ginny: Whatever I like him as just a friend.

_Dumbledore taps his glass in order to get everyone's attention however no one pays attention causing him to stand and politely ask for silence…still nothing._

Dumbledore(_yelling_): LISTEN UP YO!(_everyone stops_)

Fred: That was cool. I didn't know Dumbledore can say that kind of stuff.

Dumbledore: Welcome back students. This should be a very exciting new year. I have a very exciting announcement the "Werid Sisters" are doing a live concert tv wide and have chosen this school to broadcast from. (_students cheer loudly_) Let us show the world what wonderful, polite…refined…students we have here at Hogwarts.

McGonangle: Excuse me, wrong announcement.

Dumbledore(_fumbles through paperwork_): Oh sorry, welcome to an exciting new year. We have two additional members to welcome to our faculty. Prof Hooch is unfortunatly leaving us in the Spring…(turns to Madame Hooch) for how long?

Madame Hooch: Nine months.

Dumbledore: So I'd like to inroduce her replacement Professior Wotzisname. Please stand up! (_students applaud_) I'd also like to welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for the seventh billionth time…Dolores Umbridge.(_students clap politely_) Now let us..(_Dumbledore is interupted by Professor_ Umbridge _clearing her throat as loudly and as rudely as possible_) Would you like to speak?

Prof Umbridge: Of course.

Dumbledore: Go right ahead (_to himself_) just don't do that again.

Prof Umbridge(_starts off sweetly, but turns menacing and dangerous with every word_): Well well well what do we have here? I can tell you are all disinterested in what I have too say, but that's too bad. I'm a member of the ministry of magic and we are interfering whether you like it or not. Because if you don't do what I say I'll…I'll….make you pay…MWHAHAHA…(_turns sweet again_)I mean you'll be punished. Afterall, the purpose of school is to learn. We at the ministry are here to be sure that all students learn whats best for them. Afterall, theres no need for panic anylonger. So we must focus on our studies and prepare ourselves for the real working world.

Hermione: Well this sucks.

Ron: Why? She seems kind of nice.  
Gretalla: You must be joking…

Luna: Or an idiot…

Ginny: He's an idiot, I can prove it.

Harry: Whats all this mean…I was kind of zoning…Voldemort is doing a number from 42nd street in my head. Now he's singing…ahhhhhh.

Hermione: Basicly she's saying that the ministry is getting involved and they're going to ruin everything.

Ron: Aww man…guess she's not all that nice.

Gretalla; With all do respect did you not see her freak out on us a split second ago?

Ron: Who asked you ghost girl?  
Gretalla: I'm not a ghost!!!

Ron: You don't even have pupils in your eyes. They're white.

Gretalla: They're green actually.

Ron: Whatever.

Luna: Mmmm this lemon pudding is soooo good.

_After dinner, Ron and Harry walk back to the Griffindor common room.._

Ron: So I says to him, I says to him, if you don't like Pansy Parkinson then why did you have her name written all over your notebooks. Can you believe it? Then he says well why we you snooping anyway and so I says to him..,.

Harry: Ron please, you sound like a teenage girl when you do that.

Ron: Oops sorry, sometimes I get so involved. You see, during break I would sometimes watch soap operas while helping mom with laundry. General hospital was my favorite. Sonny and Carly…will they ever get back together? They were so cute together.

Harry: RON you're doing it again..

Ron: Sor-rey…but honestly you try watching soap operas and see what happens.

Harry: No thanks. (_they spot Colin Creevy) _Hey Colin, how was break?  
Colin: Alright.

Ron: What'd you do all break?

Colin: I spent all summer in Alaska hunting wolverines

Ron: Did you get any?

Colin: Yeah I shot like 50 of them. They kept trying to attack my cousin. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?  
Ron: Use magic.

Colin: They're muggles duh.

Harry: Right…well, I shot a buttload of dementors away who were also attacking my cousin.

(_The trio walks into the common room causing everyone to stop and stare at Harry with grimaces on their faces)  
_Harry: Why are they staring? Is my zipper undone? Do I have a zit..oh yeah it's a zit…a big gigantic zit!!

Ron: Not exacly, I think it's cause of you-know-you.

Harry: Oh well that's a different matter…hey everyone hows it going?  
Seamus: Me mum almost didn't send me back here.

Harry: Why?  
Seamus: Oh I dunno something about you making up lies about you-know-who being alive.

Harry: He IS! I saw him!

Seamus: Yeah well, me mother has been reading things in the Daily Prophet about you.

Harry: Like what?  
Seamus: Well…(_looks at his notes)_ you were raised by your aunt and uncle, your favorite color is green, you have a crush on Tonks even though you said you were going to marry Cho Chang, you suck at baseball, and everything about you-know-who being back is untrue.

Harry: You know what yo mommas so stupid that she believes everything in the Daily Prophet.

Seamus: Oh, you wanna go….yo mommas so werid that her blood type is ragoo

Harry: Yo momma is so fat that when she jumped in the ocean, all the whales started singin 'we are family'.

Seamus: Yo mommas so stupid that she died of starvation in a grocery store.

Harry: Well yo mommas so fat that she played hopscotch like…mercury..venus…earth…mars

(_they go on for three hours straight)_

Seamus: Well you're fat and your momma's dead.

Harry(_bursting into tears)_: You're right. I never knew my momma. I knew these jeans made me look fat. I should have cut down on the chocolate bars..but that's all the Dursleys gave me.

Ron: Dude now you're sounding like a teenage girl. Come on Harry.

Harry: Leave me alone, I'm gonna go to my room and bite my pillow.(_leaves dramaticly)_

_Defense Against the Dark Arts class..day one.._

Gretalla: So wait, what are we actually learning in this class?  
Ron: The name is self explainitory ghost girl.

Gretalla: Leave me alone you ginger.

Harry: Whats a ginger?  
Gretalla: A person with red hair, freckles and really pale.

Ron: It's not a very nice remark.

Gretalla: Well then stop calling me ghost girl.

Malfoy: Yeah (_takes the seat next to her)_ How you doin?

Gretalla: Alright

Ron: I knew that one was gonna turn to the dark side.

Harry: Hey Gretalla, listen, he doesn't mean to call you a ghost girl. You're actually very pretty.

Malfoy: Shut up Potter. I don't think you're pretty, you're beautiful.

Harry: Well you're the most gorgeous girl I've every seen.

(_Gretalla swoons then takes the seat next to Harry)_ Ha!

Malfoy: Whatever she's just a filthy mudblood anyway.

Gretalla: Whats that?  
Harry: Non magical parents.

Gretalla: Well my mum is…a very very powerful magical being..she's a guardianess now. My father isn't…so what does that make me?

Harry: A half blood. So that's cool.

Malfoy: No it's not pure blood girls are better.

Harry: Shut up Malfoy.

Malfoy: Make me four eyes.

Hermione: That's Malfoy for ya, he's all into blood. It's all about the blood to him.

Gretalla: I see, well I'm a type A.

Malfoy: It doesn't mean a thing to me baby.

Hermione: Oh stuff it Malfoy!

Prof Umbridge: That will be quite enough. Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts class. This is an important year for all of you. I will be preparing you for your very very difficult standardized tests called the O.W.Ls. These scores will determine whether you become successful in the business world.

Hermione: We're not learning any spells.

Prof Umbridge(_freaks out)_: Why in Merlins name would you need too?(_sweetly)_ I mean no, because theres not reason for these spells, we're perfectly safe here.

Harry: So we're not learning any defense?

Prof Umbridge: Didn't I just say that?

Harry: Yes, but I can't believe you did.

Gretalla: Uh oh, I think I'm in the wrong class then.

Prof Umbridge: What makes you say that?  
Gretalla: Cause this is defense against the dark arts, is it not?  
Harry: Shouldn't we be learning spells to defend us from you-know-who?  
Prof Umbridge: He's not back

Harry: Oh yes he is, you think I just imagined him killing Cedrick

Prof Umbridge: He died on his own

Harry(_yells_): I saw it with my own eyes!

Prof Umbridge(_screams and slams book on table_): Liar liar liar lair!!! Detention Mr Potter.

Harry: For what?  
Prof Umbridge: For…um…telling lies…you're an awful liar.

Harry: I'm not lying.

Prof Umbridge: Even if you are innocent I'm gonna punish you, because Im big, you're little, I'm smart and you're dumb, I'm right and you're wrong. And there is nothing you can do about it. Because I'm in the ministry and I'm gonna rule the school Anyone who objects is going to the chokey.

Paravati(_raising her hand)_: Whats the chokey?  
Prof Umbridge: The only one who will know for sure is Mr. Potter. Come to my office after school…alone.

**Bum bum bum...whats going to happen next? Is Umbridge going to throw Harry into the chokey? Who will win Gretalla's heart? How are the students going to survive no defensive spells? What will Umbridge do next? How many movie/tv references did you find? So many questions, so little time. Hope you liked chapter three. I know I added a whole new character and everything, but that was my only way to get Malfoy more involved. Plus I have plans...future plans...involving this new character;) If you like it, let me know! If you don't...well you dont have to read it then. Well, I'm onto chapter 4, see you there!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow, Chapter 4 already! I have terribly interesting thoughts running through my head on what will happen in future chapters. I actually can't wait for the last battle scene, but until then I'll just have to make the chapters leading up to it just as good. First things first, here are the answers from chapter 3. I realize that these were a bit harder and hidden very well. Okay so:**

"**I wanna lose three pounds" from Mean Girls**

**The whole scpeel about the Werid sisters was from Grease**

**The whole thing about wolverines is from Napolean Dynamite**

"**I'm gonna go and bite my pillow" from Waiting for Guffman**

"**Gingers" is from South Park (got that from my little bro)**

"**I'm big, your little, I'm smart, you're dumb…" from Matilida**

"The chokey" from Matilda 

**There you have it folks. How'd you do? I know, some were alittle challenging and there weren't as many as last time. I tried not to make them too blatant in order to make you think. Special thanks to my little sister for providing the Yo momma jokes, General Hospital, Zac Efron, my friends for providing the line that ended the insult war, and to caffinated tea for which this fic would not be possible without it. Another explaination on Gretalla, her whole character is based on a well known character from popular movie. If you can guess who she's based on then I'll award you double points!!! **

Chapter 4

_Afterschool Harry went to Umbridge's office to serve detention. It was all purple, fuzzy, and had pictures cute little kittens on the walls. He shook his head in disbelief and took the seat next to her desk. Umbridge arrived three seconds later and flipped a switch causing the purple to turn to black, the fuzz to turn to metal and leather, and the pictures of cute little kittens to turn to torture devices and skeletons. He cringed at the sight of the office._

Umbridge: Now then Harry..I decided to be generous and give you an option, you can either go into the chokey or do lines for me.

Harry: What's the chokey?  
Umbridge: It's a narrow room with a leaky pipe, with nails and broken glass sticking out of the sides of it. Don't get me wrong I love seeing students in there. But since I've started at this school, I'd like to maintain my sweet disposition for alittle longer.

Harry: I'll do lines.

Umbridge: You will use my quill and write three hundred times 'I must not tell lies'.

_Slight pause_

Harry: You know that would be impossible without ink.

Umbridge: You won't need ink(_throaty laugh to herself) _No certainly you won't.

Harry: Alright then (_starts writing then notices a strange sensation on his nose. He touchs it gingely to find a giant zit appearing_. _As he continues writing to find that the zit is growing and that there are more starting to appear) _What's happening to my face?  
Umbridge: No talking, just keep writing.(_laughs again)_

_After detention, Harry walks out down the corridor, his entire face decorated with giant red zits. He tried his best to cover it up and hurry into his room as soon as possible. Unfortunatly, as he entered the common room, a giant party was going on. The music immediately stopped and everyone turned and stared at him as he entered. _

Ron: Harry, what happen to your face?  
Harry (_angerily grabbing Ron by his collar): _Something wrong with my face? Huh? Think I look mighty perty don't you?  
Ron (_frightened)_: Yes of course Harry.

Hermione: Here I can fix that for you…REPARO(_the zits disappear)_

Ron: There good as new.

Hermione: You have to tell Dumbledore.

Harry: No

Hermione: Look Harry I know..  
Harry(_interupts her)_: No Hermione, you don't. You don't know whats going on and you're never really going to understand. So why don't you go and kiss Ron. (_gets up and leaves)_

Hermione: Please help us to.

Ron: How bout it?  
Hermione: Go away and I'll help you write your history paper.

Ron: SCORE!(_runs off)_

_Harry takes a walk down the corridor finds Gretalla, Luna, and Ginny._

Gretalla: Hiya Harry.

Harry; Hey girls

Ginny: You okay Harry? You seem sad ….and less charming.

Gretalla: That wasn't very nice. Hey Harry, do you want to talk about it?  
Ginny: I have a better idea…wanna go shopping? That always helps me feel better.  
Luna: Wanna help me go feed the threstails?  
Harry: Gretalla, maybe later. Ginny, no way. Luna, what are thestrails again?

Luna: Those things that were pulling the carriage…the thing that slobbered on you.

Harry: Oh yeah….that.

Gretalla: Best you do that then. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. See you guys, Malfoy asked me to help him study.

Harry: Thanks. Wait Malfoy.

Gretalla: Yeah he's such a dunce…figures he'd ask the new girl to help him. Don't worry nothing serious. (_Sirius pops his head in and snickers)_

Harry: Alright, just be careful.(_Gretalla walks off)_

Ginny: But why not shopping?  
Harry: I dunno Gin, I kind of hate it. Plus we're not allowed to leave school.

Ginny: You do realize who my brothers are don't you. I can go anywhere without getting caught.

Harry: That's great Gin, but I think I'm gonna roll with Luna for alittle while.

Luna: Yes! I mean come on Harry lets go.  
Ginny: But but I'm hott and popular. You should be rolling with me..fine, you know what, fine!

_Harry and Luna walk down into the woods..where the thestrails are waiting._

Luna: My friends.

Harry: Friends? Have you always taken care of them?  
Luna: Uh huh since I was nine. That's Spike, Lennox, Humphrey, Tooty, and Harry.

Harry: You named one after me?  
Luna: Well yeah, he was just born and I name these after my real friends.

Harry: So you really had friends named Spike, Lennox, Humphrey and Tooty.

Luna: Yeah at my old school.

Harry: We're they human? I mean why can you and I only see them?  
Luna: You start seeing them after you've seen death.

Harry: You've seen someone die.

Luna: Yeah me mom and I also see dead people.

Harry(_werided out)_: Dead people?  
Luna: Yeah they don't know that they're dead and they ask me to do things for them.

Harry: I see (_notices that Luna is not wearing shoes)_ Where are your shoes? Aren't they cold?  
Luna: Yeah they're freezing…but I had to give them away to a little boy named Narcos..he's such a devil sometimes. He loves to steal things from me.

Harry(_even more werided out)_: And that necklace protects you from him?  
Luna: Supposed to, though sometimes it doesn't really work.

Harry: Oh…wow…that's really…werid.

Luna: Gee thanks, well at least I'm not seeing you-know-who doing tap dancing in my head.

Harry: Guess I deserved that.

Luna: And singing 42nd street.

Harry: Not sure I deserved that.

Luna: And flying on a trapeze while juggling bowling pins.

Harry: Okay I did not deserve that. Please don't take it up to that level. Its bad enough hearing him sing.

Luna: Sorry…is he good?  
Harry: Surprisingly yes. Oh Luna, I feel so alone sometimes.

Luna: Well that's how he would want it. You to be alone and feel helpless.

Harry: Yeah…I'm so alone and helpless(_starts to cry) _Nobody likes me, I suck, I'm the worst thing to ever walk the planet.(_Luna smacks him)_ Thanks Luna.

Luna: Look Harry, you have a lot of people who are willing to help you. You have Ron who can be a complete moron sometimes, but a good friend. You have Hermione who is borderline self centered..but uses her knowledge for good. You have Neville who is as clumsy and inept as anyone could ever be..but he's surprisingly adorable. You have Ginny who the most annoying girl I've ever met, but shes always wanting to impress you. You have Seamus whose hairline is receeding, but has a cute Irish accent. You have Dean who has a suspicious relationship with Seamus but will always stand behind his friends. You have Gretalla who is actually one of the few of your friends who is really cool and you have me.(_smiles sweetly)_

Harry: Thanks for the breakdown Luna.

Luna: My pleasure…TOOTY COME GET SOME HAM…whelp I'm gonna go get some lemon pudding. Make sure Tooty eats her dinner and make sure Lennox does not pick on Harry.

Harry: Uh okay.

Luna: See you Harry(_skips away)_

_After watching the thestrails for alittle while, Harry begins to walk back up to the school and back to the common room. On the way, he sees Cho Chang and blushes. She's giggling with her friends as he passes by also blushing. Then he sees Paravoti and Padma with linked hands as usual and was greeted with a simelteous 'hiya Harry'. Then he sees Gretalla walking down the corridor with Malfoy. She looks alittle annoyed by him and lights up when she sees Harry._

Draco: What are you doing Potter? Isn't it passed your bedtime?  
Harry: No. I'm saving the world from gits like you.(_Gretalla snickers)_

Draco(_turning to her)_: What are you laughing at?  
Gretalla: It was funny. Seems like you're doing a good job with that Harry.

Harry: Why thank you.

Draco: Whatever, so you think I'm gonna pass my history test?

Gretalla: Yes…just remember what I told you.

Draco: I before E except after C.

Gretalla: That's right, teachers love taking off for spelling. He gets alittle confused with that.

Harry(_snickers)_: Yeah what first grader doesn't.

Gretalla: Harry that was not nice. Draco you'll do fine on your test. Now go to your common room and be sure to get a good night sleep.

Draco: Okay…(_sneers at Harry)_ See you in class Potter.(_walks off)_

Gretalla: Ugh he's so annoying. All the while he tried hitting on me and kissing me.

Harry: So you don't really like him?  
Gretalla: No, girls flirt with the dangerous guys, they don't take them home. I perfer the good guy.

Harry: Glad to hear…plus I'd be worried to death if you ever started dating Draco.

Gretalla(_laughing)_: So would I.(_they go inside the common room. Ron and Hermione are talking energeticly)_

Harry (_approaching them)_: Mind if I join you?  
Hermione (_tears in her eyes):_ Yes, certainly.

Gretalla (_quietly to him)_: You're a good man Harry

_The friends talk energeticly and end up engaging in a highly competitive game of Wizards UNO._

_Afterward Harry find a package on his bed from Sirius. Theres a small tag that reads..'meet me by the fireplace at seven AM. Oh yeah and Bella made this pie for you…isnt it disguisting. I swear she makes he worst pies in all of the world.'_

_At 7:00AM, Harry hurries to the fireplace causing Sirius' head to appear. The zits are starting to reappear._

Sirius: Hey Harry, wow what happened to your face?

Harry: Detention.

Sirius: Eww, well I mean, it could be worse.

Harry: No it can't. Nobody believes me about you-know-who, they are not teaching defensive spells and theres a hot girl that me and Draco are fighting over.

Sirius: Oooh you mean you like someone other than Tonks?  
(_Tonks head appears in the fire)_

Tonks: Hi Harry, you have a crush on someone? Who is it? Is she prettier than me? She better not be. You wont believe what Lupin is doing…he's sitting outside my window still singing that annoying song…he's driving me nuts..you have to-

Sirius: That's enough Tonks.

Tonks: Ooops sorry, bye Harry(_head vanishes. Moments later theres a loud crash and a loud series of curse words)_

Sirius: Excuse my clumsy niece, anyways..wow this year isn't going very well from the sounds of it.

Harry: No shit, this is the part where you provide me with some advice.

Sirius: Well you can start building an army of your own..illegally.

Harry: That's worse idea I've ever heard….hey I got it, why don't I start an army of my own?

Sirius: Good idea. So that would solve the problem with not learning any defensive spells.

Harry: Any other advice?  
Sirius: Yeah never eat Bella's meat pies. If you do be sure you have a nice glass of gin to go with it.

Harry: What about rum?

Sirius: Well we don't have any at headquarters.

Harry: But where's the rum gone?

Sirius: You're too young to be drinking it anyways. Now tell me about this girl.

Harry: She's got these eyes that just..and her hair..ooo and her smile.

Sirius: Oooh say now more.

Harry; But she likes flirting with Draco…likes the dangerous type.

Sirius: Whelp try impressing her with the building of your army.

Harry: Hey yeah I could do that…maybe I could give defensive lessons. I haven't even seen her use magic. She's in all these upper level classes except defense against the dark arts.

Sirius: There you go buddy. You've figured it out. Now I have a bigger issue to solve.

Harry: whats that?

Sirius: How am I going to kick Bella's ass at Wizards Poker. I've watched her play. She doesn't cheat. She's naturally good at it. I really need to beat her, she keeps rubbing it in my face.

Harry: Umm okay, you do that Sirius. I'm gonna tell all my friends about my brillant idea abou starting my own army and defense lessons.

Sirius: Okay…peace.(_leaves)_

_Harry races to the dining hall where all of his friends are convienently waiting for him to arrive._

Hermione: Harry! Here, sit down, I really need to talk to you.

Harry: M kay.(_sits down between Hermione and Ginny)_

Ginny: Morning Harry.

Harry: Morning everyone.

Hermione: Yeah yeah...so last night I couldn't sleep and found myself staring at the ceiling lost in thought. I mean it seems like this school is going downhill. We aren't learning defensive spells, we are not learning to pass our OWL exams, Umbridge literally going insane with all these stupid rules, she tried to kick out Prof Trelawny, and now she nearly gave me detention for having a hairband on my wrist.

Ginny: Isn't that ridiculous? I heard that Hannah got in detention for that.

Gretalla: And everyone's been getting in detention for having their shirts untucked.

Hermione: Anyways, I then came up with a brillant idea.

Harry: Go on..

Hermione(_lowers voice)_: Okay, so when we go to Hogsmeed today..

Ron: Yes…

Hermione: We're all going to meet in the Three Broomsticks basement..

Harry: Yes..yes…go on..

Hermione: And..

Harry(_getting more excited)_: And?

Hermione: You're going to give us defense lessons.

Harry;YES! I mean huh? I thought I came up with that idea.

Hermione: Actually Sirius and I were talking about it last night in the fire place.

Harry: How many are coming?  
Hermione: Oh just a few friends…

**And that's where I'm going to leave you to ponder on. Of course, we all know from the movie, whats going to happen, however my version is alittle different. So there weren't that many references. Its kind of hard linking movie and tv references to rather serious issues. Hopefully the ones in this chapter were easier to find. Special thanks to my elementry school experience in which Umbridge's ridiculous rules are based on. I'm serious, we used to get in detention for having scrunchies on our wrists. Not fun! Hope you enjoyed this chapter…onto Chapter five…AWAY!!!**


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